My shameless selfie with some peanut butter. Why no shame? Why peanut butter?
Because not even that long ago I couldn't have this in the house. I don't even think I could count the amount of PB jars I've eaten (we're talking in a day or two) over those trying years.
I used to be so embarrassed to talk about my eating disorder and screwed up relationship with food, I used to think I was a weirdo and no one would understand. I felt alone. But being almost 2 years recovered and getting my Holistic Health Coach certification taught me otherwise. It's very sad, but so many people (especially women) struggle with disordered eating to some degree. 99% of the time it stems from disliking your body or something about yourself in some way.
As a young girl, I remember the boys in my class making fun of me because I had a big butt. This was in the late 80's/early 90's so this is pre-Beyoncé and J-Lo, so having a large booty wasn't "in." I believe this is something I held onto for a long time. Being teased because of the way my body looked. Not looking like everyone else. Not feeling good enough.
I've always struggled with my weight, I was never "skinny," I've always held onto a little more than I wanted. This is what created my hatred for my body and what made me want to try diet after diet to change it into the perfect shape.
I won't go on to blame kids who taunted me for having a different body shape (because a couple I saw after high school couldn't believe how good I looked and some even asked me out Haha) but I think it's what planted the seed for me to think there was something wrong with me and my body.
Looking back on those 5 years when I sunk into the black hole of bulimia, chronic overexercising and body dysmorphia I now realize that I don't need validation from anyone as to whether or not I'm good enough, my body is good enough or even simple things like my style or taste in music. I don't agree with everyone I know and like, and we definitely don't always have the same tastes, but it doesn't make me love or like them any less.
So, back to the peanut butter. I can happily and proudly tell you today that I can have jars in the house and don't eat the whole thing! I don't open the cabinet and pull it out to take spoonfuls at a time throughout the day. I put a little in my coffee sometimes, I eat a normal sized scoop sometimes, but it no longer consumes me. I allowed myself to eat it, I stopped making it "off limits." Once I did that, it was like night and day. I didn't always HAVE to have it. I didn't have to eat ALL of it because I might never have it again. I can buy it and keep it in my house for weeks! Today, Peanut Butter and I have a healthy relationship. Something I didn't ever think I'd say! It actually feels really good to write it.
Is there a food you struggle with and feel you can't keep it in the house?
If you want to learn the steps I took to overcome my dysfunctional relationships with food, click the here to get your free copy of Feel Sane Around Food 😎